I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

People Park Like A-Holes Night

Why are people so incapable of parking their vehicles?

Seeing Stars

The filter in my virtual classroom might be set a little too ***** high.

Bad Snacks Trip

Nothing at Dollar Tree is at Dollar Tree because it’s fresh

Happy Endings

I’ve never had a professional massage. What’s the protocol here?

The Name Game

Who’d have thought naming a new baby could be so stressful?

Three’s A Crowd

Being in a thruple isn’t as easy as Joe Exotic makes it seem.

Prepare to Die

I didn’t like The Princess Bride? Inconceivable.

Double Trouble

Are you sure there aren’t two in there?

My Name is Steve

Being a bartender can get boring, so sometimes, I like to spice things up.

Trash Talk

Serious question: You ever shit your pants in a brewery bathroom?

The Sounds of Silence

While a snow day means you don’t have to deal with other people’s asshole kids, it means you have to deal with your own.

Spare Some Change?

What do you do when someone asks you for money?

My San Junipero – Part II

There’s a reason why 30somethings don’t leave the house. In public, we’re awkward.

My San Junipero – Part I

This year, a bar opened in my home town for the first time in its three-century history. This might not sound like a big deal, but when your town’s most exciting social venue is a tie between an antique shop and the Wawa parking lot, a new bar is like what Studio 54 must have …

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