My opinion on bringing your pets in public is pretty well known. When I grew up, I loved having dogs. I played with them, cuddled them, fed them, and picked up their shit in the backyard. But the thought of bringing one of my Yellow Labs to a public place and having them sit at the table like a human was unfathomable.
Clearly in suburban DC in 2024, pet culture is different. Dogs are not just companions around the house. Some people actually go to places with the express purpose of taking their dogs out on the town. Today, Rover and I checked out the Air and Space Museum! He especially liked the exhibit on World War II aviation. Afterward, we shared bottomless mimosas at this cute little frittata place in Dupont Circle.
It’s not my thing, but I guess I understand dogs to an extent. After all, they are man’s best friend.
But today while I worked at the bar, a customer brought in their pet bird.
I’m sorry. This I cannot abide.
The bird just sat there contented on the girl’s shoulder while she ordered her beers. And I kept thinking, you dumb fuck. Fly away. The outside is right there! You don’t need to subject yourself to this amount of cucked embarrassment.
It was clear to me that the owner was just begging for attention. She wore a T-shirt with a bird on it that read “be nice or I’ll poop on you.” Then she opened her notebook, which also had a bird on it.
I have a hard time with identity labels. I do the same thing, to be fair. I call myself a writer, a parent, a husband. But to be a bird owner? To snare a robin from a tree and force it to sit on your shoulder in public like you’re some kind of half-assed 21st century pirate? It’s fucking embarrassing.
Of course everyone in the taproom swarmed to check out the bird. And the owner got exactly what she wanted—attention from strangers for being a fucking weirdo.
At the risk of sounding like my father, what’s next? Pet gophers? Domesticated armadillos? A woman ordering an IPA with a boa constrictor wrapped around her torso? These are my roach babies. Hashtag turtle mom.
I Don't Belong Here. 