I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

Bye, Felicia

Melinda sent me on a Costco run this morning. Normally I avoid that place like the plague, but on a Tuesday morning it’s not nearly as crowded as it is on the weekends. I can’t even get through the door on a Saturday afternoon there without getting chest pains. The list Melinda gave me didn’t …

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Stop Masturbation Now

This morning on Instagram, I came across an ad for a website called “StopMasturbationNow.org.” It was a picture of a pair of hands on a ladder pointed toward a light in the sky, and the text read “you will never climb to heaven with your hands full of penis.” I thought maybe it was a …

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Clean Sweep

On my way to the store I passed an Asian man in my neighborhood sweeping the sidewalk in front of his house. He was using one of those waist-high straw brooms I’ve seen barbers use to sweep hair. This is like the fourth time I’ve seen him out there this week, and I wondered how …

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Low Fuel Light

I almost ran out of gas this morning taking the kids to the bus stop. When I got in the car my display said I had 20 miles left on the tank, and the drive is 12 miles. In theory, that’s enough, but halfway into the drive I got the “low fuel” indicator, where my …

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Wine Your Way

After dinner, we watched the Phillies while Melinda took Josephine’s friend home. A commercial kept coming on for Woodbridge wine, a cheap brand that comes in a variety of jugs, boxes, and cans. It featured images of a woman pouring red wine into a glass with ice, a pitcher of sangria, and a man drinking …

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Mellow Yellow

Is my family the only one having difficulty flushing the toilet? It feels like every third time I lift the lid in my house, there’s a little surprise waiting for me. At first I thought it must be a mechanical issue, but after a thorough inspection of each toilet’s internals, I’ve concluded everyone in my …

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Remember Me

The plastic slide at the neighborhood playground is like every slide in America, in that it causes your hair to stand up when you lie on it. It’s also covered in crude graffiti carved with a safety pin or pen. There’s the normal stuff you’d expect, like a melted crater caused by a Bic lighter, …

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Recycled Paper

The kids got their school supply lists from their teachers today, and we began the arduous task of amassing them. I used to be one of those teachers who gave parents a supply list, only because if I didn’t, parents got confused, and I had to spend even MORE time answering questions about what supplies …

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Hog Wild

My house is at the end of a cul de sac, the type of living situation that’s so suburban that when I’m driving home I feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie. Because there’s no through traffic, it’s only taken me a couple of months to learn all of my neighbors’ vehicles by sight and …

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Now More Delicious

I re-stocked the sodas at work this afternoon and noticed Coke Zero has a new design. The can is now red with a black logo, which makes things visually confusing when they’re sitting next to each other in the cooler. But the best new addition to the design is a circular emblem that proudly declares …

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Sorry, We’re Closed.

The bar was closed to the public for a wedding reception tonight. Buyouts are fun because they’re a nice change of pace. The other bartender and I wore polo shirts and got to feel fancy uncorking bottles of wine and watching someone’s drunk uncle dancing to the Cupid Shuffle. Over the course of the night, …

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Melinda made Parmesan-crusted chicken and tortellini for dinner. It was delicious and everyone inhaled it, but when we were finished, Josephine had a graveyard of tomatoes on her plate. “How come you didn’t eat any of the tomatoes?” Melinda asked. “I don’t like the tomatoes,” she said. “I don’t like tomatoes either,” Dominic said, “but …

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TV For Sale

My loss is your gain!

Elves and Shelves

Dominic’s bedroom door has been closed a lot lately. Since he’s 11, I guess I should be giving him privacy and stuff. But I remember what I was doing when I was 11, so I bungee corded that shit open. “There are no closed doors in this house,” I said. And then I vomited, because …

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Mischief Night

Around 7 o’clock Friday night, I got a phone call from a blocked number. Like every other rational human on the planet, I don’t pick up unknown numbers, and I sure as shit don’t pick up ones with no caller ID. A minute later, my voice mail dinged. “Hi, this is Brenda from Planned Parenthood. …

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Powerless Before Coffee

When the power goes out, I am like a pioneer, foraging for coffee

Seeing Stars

The filter in my virtual classroom might be set a little too ***** high.