I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

TV For Sale

My loss is your gain!

Elves and Shelves

Dominic’s bedroom door has been closed a lot lately. Since he’s 11, I guess I should be giving him privacy and stuff. But I remember what I was doing when I was 11, so I bungee corded that shit open. “There are no closed doors in this house,” I said. And then I vomited, because …

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Mischief Night

Around 7 o’clock Friday night, I got a phone call from a blocked number. Like every other rational human on the planet, I don’t pick up unknown numbers, and I sure as shit don’t pick up ones with no caller ID. A minute later, my voice mail dinged. “Hi, this is Brenda from Planned Parenthood. …

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Powerless Before Coffee

When the power goes out, I am like a pioneer, foraging for coffee

Seeing Stars

The filter in my virtual classroom might be set a little too ***** high.

Bad Snacks Trip

Nothing at Dollar Tree is at Dollar Tree because it’s fresh

Happy Endings

I’ve never had a professional massage. What’s the protocol here?

The Name Game

Who’d have thought naming a new baby could be so stressful?

Three’s A Crowd

Being in a thruple isn’t as easy as Joe Exotic makes it seem.

Prepare to Die

I didn’t like The Princess Bride? Inconceivable.

Double Trouble

Are you sure there aren’t two in there?

My Name is Steve

Being a bartender can get boring, so sometimes, I like to spice things up.

Trash Talk

Serious question: You ever shit your pants in a brewery bathroom?