Dominic’s bedroom door has been closed a lot lately. Since he’s 11, I guess I should be giving him privacy and stuff. But I remember what I was doing when I was 11, so I bungee corded that shit open. “There are no closed doors in this house,” I said. And then I vomited, because …
How did I ever miss this show?
Around 7 o’clock Friday night, I got a phone call from a blocked number. Like every other rational human on the planet, I don’t pick up unknown numbers, and I sure as shit don’t pick up ones with no caller ID. A minute later, my voice mail dinged. “Hi, this is Brenda from Planned Parenthood. …
I mean, I guess it could be worse?
Baby showers are not my scene.
That American Girl doll is HOW MUCH?
When the power goes out, I am like a pioneer, foraging for coffee
Why are people so incapable of parking their vehicles?
Just another Saturday night behind the bar.
The filter in my virtual classroom might be set a little too ***** high.
When did I become a shirtless old dude?
Nothing at Dollar Tree is at Dollar Tree because it’s fresh
I’ve never had a professional massage. What’s the protocol here?
I’m sick of sweatpants. There, I said it. Back when the world was still turning, sweatpants used to be a reward at the end of the day. I called them my “comfy clothes,” and I’d celebrate a job well done by putting them on and cracking a beer and letting the stress of the day …
I understand the basic principle of burping a kid, but truthfully, I have never felt so unequipped for a task in my entire life.
Who’d have thought naming a new baby could be so stressful?
Being in a thruple isn’t as easy as Joe Exotic makes it seem.
I didn’t like The Princess Bride? Inconceivable.
Are you sure there aren’t two in there?
Being a bartender can get boring, so sometimes, I like to spice things up.
Serious question: You ever shit your pants in a brewery bathroom?
I love social media because you’re an idiot.
I was five years old the first time I had a drink.
While a snow day means you don’t have to deal with other people’s asshole kids, it means you have to deal with your own.
What do you do when someone asks you for money?
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