I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

Lockout

Melinda and I have lived in our new house for a year now, but we’re still at the point where we’re making weekly discoveries about it. There are three or four random light switches, as well as a series of motion-sensor exterior lights that don’t seem to have switches at all.  For awhile the biggest …

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Under the Golden Arches

Man, I am REALLY enjoying working from McDonald’s. I think it’s something about physically leaving the house that helps shift my brain into work mode. Because there’s no temptation for me to get out of my chair and procrastinate with a load of laundry or a Netflix show, I’m staying way more focused and productive. …

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Turtle Head

On the way home from dropping the kids at school, I had this Honda Civic tailgate me for like three miles. I’m talking close enough that he could’ve been drafting at Talladega. I don’t think anyone enjoys being tailgated, but this Civic was particularly annoying to me because I was driving at what felt like …

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I’m Lovin’ It

The past few weeks, I’ve been working from the McDonald’s down the street to get a change of scenery. Aside from some assorted homeless people and a couple of old men drinking black coffee and arguing about politics, I seem to be the only one who patronizes the restaurant portion. The McDonald’s employees were really …

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CHEVY RULES

Yesterday I pulled up next to a black F150 that was probably a really nice looking truck 10 years ago. Now, scratched into the passenger side door, was the word CHEVY RULES. Look, I understand there’s a rivalry between Ford and Chevy that’s spanned decades, but imagine being SO WRAPPED UP in it that you’d …

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The Great Slim Jim Heist

When a clerk undercharges you for something, does that count as stealing?  Tonight I bought five Slim Jims at 7-Eleven, and the clerk only scanned one. The total on the screen came to $2.25, and I held out a $20 bill. The clerk stared at me for a second, I assume because he was thinking …

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No Underwear

I folded some laundry and took care of Robert while Melinda was at work. When she got home, she picked up a pair of underwear off the living room floor. “Why is my underwear on the floor?” she asked. “I was folding laundry, and Robert was helping, so I’m sure it fell off of the …

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Personal Portable Pickles

Today for a snack, Melinda opened a plastic pouch of pickles called Munchies. “It says here on the package that they’re the portable pickle for people on the go,” she said. “I can’t believe there is such a thing,” I said. “Are people really in need of portable pickles?” “People on the go are definitely …

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Into Thin Hair

My friend Travis came to the bar Saturday night while I was working. We used to teach together, and for the last few years, he’s been my barber, dropping by the house to cut my hair every couple of weeks. My hair’s never been a point of pride for me. It’s fine and lifeless and …

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Fear of Cans

At work the other night, a guy came in with a growler and asked me to fill it with lager, and I offered him a six-pack because they’re $10 cheaper. “That’s okay,” he said. “To tell you the truth, I have a phobia of cans.” “That sounds awful,” I said. “Going to the grocery store …

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Bye, Felicia

Melinda sent me on a Costco run this morning. Normally I avoid that place like the plague, but on a Tuesday morning it’s not nearly as crowded as it is on the weekends. I can’t even get through the door on a Saturday afternoon there without getting chest pains. The list Melinda gave me didn’t …

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Stop Masturbation Now

This morning on Instagram, I came across an ad for a website called “StopMasturbationNow.org.” It was a picture of a pair of hands on a ladder pointed toward a light in the sky, and the text read “you will never climb to heaven with your hands full of penis.” I thought maybe it was a …

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Clean Sweep

On my way to the store I passed an Asian man in my neighborhood sweeping the sidewalk in front of his house. He was using one of those waist-high straw brooms I’ve seen barbers use to sweep hair. This is like the fourth time I’ve seen him out there this week, and I wondered how …

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Low Fuel Light

I almost ran out of gas this morning taking the kids to the bus stop. When I got in the car my display said I had 20 miles left on the tank, and the drive is 12 miles. In theory, that’s enough, but halfway into the drive I got the “low fuel” indicator, where my …

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Wine Your Way

After dinner, we watched the Phillies while Melinda took Josephine’s friend home. A commercial kept coming on for Woodbridge wine, a cheap brand that comes in a variety of jugs, boxes, and cans. It featured images of a woman pouring red wine into a glass with ice, a pitcher of sangria, and a man drinking …

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Mellow Yellow

Is my family the only one having difficulty flushing the toilet? It feels like every third time I lift the lid in my house, there’s a little surprise waiting for me. At first I thought it must be a mechanical issue, but after a thorough inspection of each toilet’s internals, I’ve concluded everyone in my …

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Remember Me

The plastic slide at the neighborhood playground is like every slide in America, in that it causes your hair to stand up when you lie on it. It’s also covered in crude graffiti carved with a safety pin or pen. There’s the normal stuff you’d expect, like a melted crater caused by a Bic lighter, …

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Recycled Paper

The kids got their school supply lists from their teachers today, and we began the arduous task of amassing them. I used to be one of those teachers who gave parents a supply list, only because if I didn’t, parents got confused, and I had to spend even MORE time answering questions about what supplies …

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Hog Wild

My house is at the end of a cul de sac, the type of living situation that’s so suburban that when I’m driving home I feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie. Because there’s no through traffic, it’s only taken me a couple of months to learn all of my neighbors’ vehicles by sight and …

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Now More Delicious

I re-stocked the sodas at work this afternoon and noticed Coke Zero has a new design. The can is now red with a black logo, which makes things visually confusing when they’re sitting next to each other in the cooler. But the best new addition to the design is a circular emblem that proudly declares …

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Sorry, We’re Closed.

The bar was closed to the public for a wedding reception tonight. Buyouts are fun because they’re a nice change of pace. The other bartender and I wore polo shirts and got to feel fancy uncorking bottles of wine and watching someone’s drunk uncle dancing to the Cupid Shuffle. Over the course of the night, …

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TomatNO

Melinda made Parmesan-crusted chicken and tortellini for dinner. It was delicious and everyone inhaled it, but when we were finished, Josephine had a graveyard of tomatoes on her plate. “How come you didn’t eat any of the tomatoes?” Melinda asked. “I don’t like the tomatoes,” she said. “I don’t like tomatoes either,” Dominic said, “but …

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TV For Sale

My loss is your gain!

Elves and Shelves

Dominic’s bedroom door has been closed a lot lately. Since he’s 11, I guess I should be giving him privacy and stuff. But I remember what I was doing when I was 11, so I bungee corded that shit open. “There are no closed doors in this house,” I said. And then I vomited, because …

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