I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

Elves and Shelves

Dominic’s bedroom door has been closed a lot lately. Since he’s 11, I guess I should be giving him privacy and stuff. But I remember what I was doing when I was 11, so I bungee corded that shit open. “There are no closed doors in this house,” I said. And then I vomited, because …

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Mischief Night

Around 7 o’clock Friday night, I got a phone call from a blocked number. Like every other rational human on the planet, I don’t pick up unknown numbers, and I sure as shit don’t pick up ones with no caller ID. A minute later, my voice mail dinged. “Hi, this is Brenda from Planned Parenthood. …

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Powerless Before Coffee

When the power goes out, I am like a pioneer, foraging for coffee

Seeing Stars

The filter in my virtual classroom might be set a little too ***** high.

Bad Snacks Trip

Nothing at Dollar Tree is at Dollar Tree because it’s fresh

Happy Endings

I’ve never had a professional massage. What’s the protocol here?

The Name Game

Who’d have thought naming a new baby could be so stressful?

Three’s A Crowd

Being in a thruple isn’t as easy as Joe Exotic makes it seem.

Prepare to Die

I didn’t like The Princess Bride? Inconceivable.

Double Trouble

Are you sure there aren’t two in there?

My Name is Steve

Being a bartender can get boring, so sometimes, I like to spice things up.

Trash Talk

Serious question: You ever shit your pants in a brewery bathroom?

The Sounds of Silence

While a snow day means you don’t have to deal with other people’s asshole kids, it means you have to deal with your own.

Spare Some Change?

What do you do when someone asks you for money?