My loss is your gain!
We’re having FP for dinner.
Dominic’s bedroom door has been closed a lot lately. Since he’s 11, I guess I should be giving him privacy and stuff. But I remember what I was doing when I was 11, so I bungee corded that shit open. “There are no closed doors in this house,” I said. And then I vomited, because …
How did I ever miss this show?
Around 7 o’clock Friday night, I got a phone call from a blocked number. Like every other rational human on the planet, I don’t pick up unknown numbers, and I sure as shit don’t pick up ones with no caller ID. A minute later, my voice mail dinged. “Hi, this is Brenda from Planned Parenthood. …
I mean, I guess it could be worse?
Baby showers are not my scene.
That American Girl doll is HOW MUCH?
When the power goes out, I am like a pioneer, foraging for coffee
Why are people so incapable of parking their vehicles?
Just another Saturday night behind the bar.
The filter in my virtual classroom might be set a little too ***** high.
When did I become a shirtless old dude?
Nothing at Dollar Tree is at Dollar Tree because it’s fresh
I’ve never had a professional massage. What’s the protocol here?
I’m sick of sweatpants. There, I said it. Back when the world was still turning, sweatpants used to be a reward at the end of the day. I called them my “comfy clothes,” and I’d celebrate a job well done by putting them on and cracking a beer and letting the stress of the day …
I understand the basic principle of burping a kid, but truthfully, I have never felt so unequipped for a task in my entire life.
Who’d have thought naming a new baby could be so stressful?
Being in a thruple isn’t as easy as Joe Exotic makes it seem.
I didn’t like The Princess Bride? Inconceivable.
Are you sure there aren’t two in there?
Being a bartender can get boring, so sometimes, I like to spice things up.
Serious question: You ever shit your pants in a brewery bathroom?
I love social media because you’re an idiot.
I was five years old the first time I had a drink.
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