I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

Melinda made Parmesan-crusted chicken and tortellini for dinner. It was delicious and everyone inhaled it, but when we were finished, Josephine had a graveyard of tomatoes on her plate. “How come you didn’t eat any of the tomatoes?” Melinda asked. “I don’t like the tomatoes,” she said. “I don’t like tomatoes either,” Dominic said, “but …

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Dominic’s bedroom door has been closed a lot lately. Since he’s 11, I guess I should be giving him privacy and stuff. But I remember what I was doing when I was 11, so I bungee corded that shit open. “There are no closed doors in this house,” I said. And then I vomited, because …

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Around 7 o’clock Friday night, I got a phone call from a blocked number. Like every other rational human on the planet, I don’t pick up unknown numbers, and I sure as shit don’t pick up ones with no caller ID. A minute later, my voice mail dinged. “Hi, this is Brenda from Planned Parenthood. …

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