I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

Melinda and I have lived in our new house for a year now, but we’re still at the point where we’re making weekly discoveries about it. There are three or four random light switches, as well as a series of motion-sensor exterior lights that don’t seem to have switches at all.  For awhile the biggest …

Continue reading

Man, I am REALLY enjoying working from McDonald’s. I think it’s something about physically leaving the house that helps shift my brain into work mode. Because there’s no temptation for me to get out of my chair and procrastinate with a load of laundry or a Netflix show, I’m staying way more focused and productive. …

Continue reading

On the way home from dropping the kids at school, I had this Honda Civic tailgate me for like three miles. I’m talking close enough that he could’ve been drafting at Talladega. I don’t think anyone enjoys being tailgated, but this Civic was particularly annoying to me because I was driving at what felt like …

Continue reading

The past few weeks, I’ve been working from the McDonald’s down the street to get a change of scenery. Aside from some assorted homeless people and a couple of old men drinking black coffee and arguing about politics, I seem to be the only one who patronizes the restaurant portion. The McDonald’s employees were really …

Continue reading

Yesterday I pulled up next to a black F150 that was probably a really nice looking truck 10 years ago. Now, scratched into the passenger side door, was the word CHEVY RULES. Look, I understand there’s a rivalry between Ford and Chevy that’s spanned decades, but imagine being SO WRAPPED UP in it that you’d …

Continue reading

When a clerk undercharges you for something, does that count as stealing?  Tonight I bought five Slim Jims at 7-Eleven, and the clerk only scanned one. The total on the screen came to $2.25, and I held out a $20 bill. The clerk stared at me for a second, I assume because he was thinking …

Continue reading

I folded some laundry and took care of Robert while Melinda was at work. When she got home, she picked up a pair of underwear off the living room floor. “Why is my underwear on the floor?” she asked. “I was folding laundry, and Robert was helping, so I’m sure it fell off of the …

Continue reading

Today for a snack, Melinda opened a plastic pouch of pickles called Munchies. “It says here on the package that they’re the portable pickle for people on the go,” she said. “I can’t believe there is such a thing,” I said. “Are people really in need of portable pickles?” “People on the go are definitely …

Continue reading

At work the other night, a guy came in with a growler and asked me to fill it with lager, and I offered him a six-pack because they’re $10 cheaper. “That’s okay,” he said. “To tell you the truth, I have a phobia of cans.” “That sounds awful,” I said. “Going to the grocery store …

Continue reading