After a three-day weekend, it was rough getting up yesterday morning. Well, it wasn’t for me—I got up at 8:30 like I would anyway—but when Melinda’s alarm rang at 5:45, man, that was tough for her. Normally I can sleep through her alarm and her five subsequent snooze reminders, but today I couldn’t. I felt …
No matter when I make last call at the bar, there are always stragglers who try to squeeze one more out of me 10 minutes before I lock the doors. Normally I give in, because I’m in the business of making people happy, but it can get pretty trying. Where the hell were you 20 …
Why do people who just get back from Europe talk about nothing else? This guy at the bar the other night turned every conversation into a commentary on his most recent European vacation, and it was fucking excruciating. “Oh yeah, all of Paris smells like piss,” I heard him tell a customer next to him. …
Melinda tried to kill me at dinner again last night. She made chicken and broccoli and baked a roll of Pilsbury biscuits. I thought the biscuits smelled a little funny when she took them out of the oven, but when I took a bite, I knew they were moldy. It was the same taste I …
“Do you notice anything different about me?” Melinda asked me tonight while getting ready for bed. I don’t think there’s a sentence that’s more capable of striking pure terror into a husband’s soul. I looked her up and down, scanning for some change I may have been too preoccupied, drunk, or stupid to notice. Usually, …
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but somewhere in my twisted past, I decided that I hated Halloween. Every year since the 8th grade, when I roamed my friends’ subdivision dressed as Ringo Starr, I’ve felt too old to celebrate. Something about collecting candy from strangers when I had enough money to just buy …
It’s a great time to be a Philadelphia sports fan. The Phillies are competing for the National League pennant and the Birds are 6-0. The last time either of those things happened, I wore a size small. This past weekend was electric, and Philadelphians soaked up the glory. A fan interviewed on the local news …
Daycare has been a godsend. After the last two years of pulling double duty—working from home while also ensuring my tiny human doesn’t crush his skull with a crockpot—I couldn’t believe how much more productive I became once I had six full hours of silence. If I’m being honest, I don’t know how people go …
I’m a huge fan of the self-checkout option at grocery stores. True, it minimizes the chance I’m going to interact with someone and get a story out of it—which is basically what I live for in public—but the time I get back by using the self-checkout is often worth the trade-off. The truth is, I’m …
My daughter Josephine turned 10 this July, though based on her recent transformation, she might as well be 16. Without warning, the markers of her identity—the colorful bows in her hair, the sparkly pink t-shirts—ended up in the Goodwill bin. For years, Josephine was obsessed with JoJo Siwa, a ponytailed cherub who rose to fame …
I Don't Belong Here. 