I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

I learned sometime during elementary school there’s nothing more uncomfortable than having red, crusty lips. How people can walk around chapped like that is beyond me. I’ve been carrying lip balm ever since.

At first, I felt like I must be misremembering that, because what 8-year-old carries around lip balm? But then a memory floated back to me of being in first grade and using so much lip balm that I made myself sick. I applied, like, the entire tube in an hour, and I must have been licking it off and swallowing it, because I hurled all over my desk and had to go home for the day.

I’ve learned to better manage my consumption now, and I go through a tube of Burt’s every two months or so. It’s important to my survival; If I forget to put Burt’s in my pocket that morning, it’s going to be a bad day.

I used to be a classic-flavored Chapstick guy, but once I discovered Burt’s, there was no going back.

None of that boysenberry or apple-flavored shit for me, either. The burn of the peppermint lets me know it’s working.

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