I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

On the way home from dropping the kids at school, I had this Honda Civic tailgate me for like three miles. I’m talking close enough that he could’ve been drafting at Talladega.

I don’t think anyone enjoys being tailgated, but this Civic was particularly annoying to me because I was driving at what felt like an appropriate amount over the speed limit.

The spiteful asshole in me wanted to slow way down, force the Civic to get doubly impatient, and then smash head on into an 18-wheeler while trying to pass me on a double yellow. But in my experience, that rarely plays out the way I want it to, and the tailgater just ends up angrily staring at me as they zip past.

Today, perhaps because of the nice weather or the fact the Phillies dug out a tough win against the Mets last night, I chose to be more empathetic. A thought came to me: Maybe this guy is in such a hurry because he really has to poop.

I mean, we’ve all been there. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was driving home from the mall and had a photo finish of my own. It was so close I didn’t have time to get the baby out of his car seat—I just left him in the idling car in the driveway until I was finished. I definitely tailgated a bunch of cars during that trip, all of them puttering along, unaware of my DEFCON1 situation.

Maybe I’ve been thinking about aggressive drivers all wrong my entire life. Is it possible THAT’S what’s happening to all those drivers who are zigzagging in traffic, using the shoulder to jump the on-ramp? And maybe those loud mufflers are their warning signal, trumpeting fart noises from the tailpipe? Out of the way, diarrhea coming through!

And I mean, if my last couple of weeks working remotely at a McDonald’s has taught me anything, it’s that there are a LOT of people who are putting nothing into their bodies but greasy burgers and Diet Coke. That’s GOT to turn your digestive tract into a Slip ’n Slide, right?

All I’m saying is, it’s 2022, and I think these last few years have really forced us to examine some of our preconceived notions about the world around us. It might be time to give these aggressive drivers their due grace. Maybe they’re not entitled assholes breaking every driving law and social contract by Earnhardting their way through rush hour. Maybe they’ve just got a turtle head.

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