One of the self-deprecating jokes I make when I introduce myself to someone for the first time is that I peaked in high school. I say it not because I think it’s true, but that it demonstrates I have a sense of irony and perspective on the world not found in all humans. In my …
There are few things more intoxicating to the American man than the siren song of the video game. Over the course of my lifetime, video games have morphed from a niche interest for nerds into a $43 billion industry. It’s no longer a hobby for basement-dwelling teens, but a potentially lucrative profession for basement-dwelling adults. …
I’ve never been much of a vacation guy. I know some people who spend their entire summers traveling, visiting the corners of the world with frequent flyer miles or road-tripping to US hot spots. It’s my understanding people enjoy doing this. Growing up, my parents’ idea of going on a summer vacation was blaring John …
Despite my sometimes crippling anxiety in public situations, I feel like I’m a pretty socially-adjusted human being. But interacting with other people doesn’t always go right for me. What follows are my Top 5 most awkward moments. 5 – Don’t Fence Me In I had a very suburban upbringing: cub scouts, little league, youth group …
Twice a year, I leave work early and head north on the Capital Beltway for a trip into Maryland. It usually takes me about an hour to make the 28 mile drive and is inevitably replete with sections of turtle-like crawling followed by a hopeful 50mph sprint followed by a sea of sudden tail lights …
There are fewer adolescent rites of passage more iconic than the house party. Generations of teens feel a compulsion to celebrate their newfound rebellion with these block-shaking ragers, perhaps in the hopes their names can be immortalized in the hallowed halls of suburban lore. Like most my age, I watched the “parents are gone, let’s …
You’re miserable, and I’m useless It’s 10:30 on a Friday night. My t-shirt and jeans stick to my body, damp from a combination of rain and other people’s sweat. My ears are ringing, my feet hurt, and a guy with forearm tattoo of a t-rex wrapped in a taco keeps pushing into me on purpose. …
There were few things I envied more when I was a kid than families who owned a trampoline. Having a trampoline was a status symbol, the Birkin bag of the playground. There was nothing more exotic than going to a friend’s house and jumping on one, giggling and shrieking with joy for hours, forgetting for …
ADDENDUM: A day after publishing this story, I was contacted by a commander of the Fairfax County Police Department. The friendly commander, it seems, received a call from a concerned citizen regarding the alleged animal abuse mentioned in my story and was duty-bound to investigate. So, in the interest of quelling all concern, I’m happy …
Deliverance in Alexandria My buddy Brandon and I decided to buy a boat together last winter at the end of duck hunting season. Our plan was to get a used pontoon boat with a decent motor so that we could have a party deck in the summer for our family and a floating duck blind …
I Don't Belong Here. 