I Don't Belong Here.

Holy crap, this is my 30th post.

Since November, I’ve birthed 62,300 words out into the great abyss of the internet. That’s a couple fewer words than The Sun Also Rises; 16k more than ol’ Scotty wrote in The Great Gatsby.

While it would be the humble thing to say I write for myself, that it’s my outlet of expression or whatever, that’s bullshit. If I didn’t want people to read and validate me, I’d lock all this nonsense away on my hard drive like the Ark of the Covenant.

I didn’t expect, however, many people other than my mom to read my stories, and you do. A couple of readers don’t even know me in real life, which makes me feel like Stephen fucking King.

To those of you who read my nonsense each week — whether its out of a sense of friendly duty or actual interest — I thank you. I am flattered and appreciative.

For my 30th post, I’ve collected my Top 5 most popular stories. For those of you who are new to my site, this is a good place for you to start. For those of you who have been here all along, consider it my greatest hits. I’m aware I’m not cool enough to deserve a greatest hits album, but shit, if Smashmouth can put one out, I feel like I can.

One final request: if you see something you like, please share it. My ego is fueled in part by viewers like you.

1 – What Is This Salty Discharge?

My first post and still the most-viewed one about my first year as a teacher. Ok, the title sucks — much like my website name, it’s an allusion to Seinfeld — but when I named it, I didn’t realize titles should be more informative and click bait-y.

This one still makes me choke up every time I read it. What can I say? I’m a sap.

2 – ‘Til Death – Part I, Part II, Part III

People love weddings; I do not. This three-part series follows the antics of my friend Jen’s wedding, which featured live crustacean centerpieces, a mechanical bull, and a midget wrestling match.

3 – I Bought A Boat on Craigslist – Part I, Part II, Part III

I got a little better with my titles when I published this one. If you’ve ever bought anything online and gotten a little skeeved out by the seller, you’ll like this one. Part I is funny, but Part II is the most popular.

As a post-script, Brandon and I named our vessel “Hillbilly Show & Tell” in honor of our adventures, and she’s running like a dream.

4 – Barking Up The Wrong Tree

This story introduced me to the absurd realities of the internet. Up until this point, I didn’t think anyone even read what I wrote. Then I published this story and had a reader contact both the police and my school’s principal to try and have me arrested/fired for animal abuse.

Both the police officer and my principal said they enjoyed the story, by the way. I guess no press is bad press.

Ok fine, the dog shooting part is exaggerated, but everything else is real. And that goddamn dog is next door barking at nothing as I type this sentence.

5 – A Shitty Story

I wrote this series of mini-stories about poop as a Valentine’s Day gift for my wife, who will sit unamused for hours listening to my jokes and then lose her mind as soon as I make a fart noise with my mouth.

She’s a simple woman with simple needs, and for that I love her.

Writer’s Choice Award – Jump Around (or, House of Pain)

Not a lot of people read this one, but I like it and this is my website, so I’m putting it on the list. I wrote this hot and fast and all at once while I sat at a trampoline park for my son’s 10th birthday party. If you’ve ever been subjected to the insanity that is Chuck E. Cheese, this one’s for you.