Author’s note: This is Part V of a multi-part series. For an optimal reader experience, it’s best to read Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV first. After all this talk about costume accuracy, I’m confused about the guy at the table in the corner who wears a half-assed tunic and a pair …
It started with two blue lines. Two blue lines resulting from bodily fluids reacting with a chemical strip. Melinda came into the bedroom, beaming, pushing this piss-soaked stick into my face. “Look, look,” she said. I had seen this exact scene play out in countless romantic comedies and sitcom plots over the years. It was …
Author’s note: This is Part II of a three-part series. For an optimal reader experience, read Part I first. I’m a little fuzzy on what JWO stood for. I’m pretty sure it stood for “Junior Wrestling Organization,” but it’s totally possible it stood for “Juggalo World Order,” which is what just came up when I …
One of the self-deprecating jokes I make when I introduce myself to someone for the first time is that I peaked in high school. I say it not because I think it’s true, but that it demonstrates I have a sense of irony and perspective on the world not found in all humans. In my …
I’ve never been much of a vacation guy. I know some people who spend their entire summers traveling, visiting the corners of the world with frequent flyer miles or road-tripping to US hot spots. It’s my understanding people enjoy doing this. Growing up, my parents’ idea of going on a summer vacation was blaring John …
Author’s note: This is Part III of a three-part series. For any of this to make sense, it’s best to read Part I and Part II first, unless you’re my friend Scott, who read Part II first and then sent me a bunch of confused texts about how he didn’t remember midgets being there when …
Tuesdays get a bad rap. They’re not as hyperbolically agonizing as Monday, don’t have the hope of Thursday or Friday, and don’t have the cute, camel-related allusions of Wednesday. I like Tuesdays because that’s the day new books come out. And this past Tuesday was more important than most because it was the day one …
Twice a year, I leave work early and head north on the Capital Beltway for a trip into Maryland. It usually takes me about an hour to make the 28 mile drive and is inevitably replete with sections of turtle-like crawling followed by a hopeful 50mph sprint followed by a sea of sudden tail lights …
There were few things I envied more when I was a kid than families who owned a trampoline. Having a trampoline was a status symbol, the Birkin bag of the playground. There was nothing more exotic than going to a friend’s house and jumping on one, giggling and shrieking with joy for hours, forgetting for …
I impaled my right thumb with a power drill last week while screwing together a pair of 2x4s to make a firewood cradle. The bit slipped out of the screw head and entered my thumb, breaking the nail in half. It was one of those injuries that look way scarier than they actually are; seeing …
I Don't Belong Here. 