I Don't Belong Here.

a humor blog from the trenches of suburbia.

$13.60 per 3-pack from Amazon Anyone who’s ever met me knows I don’t leave the house without my notebook. It’s something I started doing when I was the manager of the guitar shop to track my daily to-do lists, but over the years it’s morphed into an obsessive routine. Now, in addition to capturing grocery …

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One of my favorite features in New York Magazine is this series called “Things I Can’t Live Without.” Each week, a celebrity writes a shopping list of his favorite little amenities. The whole premise of the feature is that these celebrities aren’t showing off their t-shirts with six-figure price tags or their favorite Pollack that …

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According to the Census Bureau, the average American spends six hours per day pursuing a hobby or leisure activity. For me, it’s more like 24. You see, my entire life has consisted of a series of phases. I’ll develop an interest in something, learn about it, and then spend every waking moment incorporating that thing …

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There are few things more intoxicating to the American man than the siren song of the video game. Over the course of my lifetime, video games have morphed from a niche interest for nerds into a $43 billion industry. It’s no longer a hobby for basement-dwelling teens, but a potentially lucrative profession for basement-dwelling adults. …

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I’ve never been much of a vacation guy. I know some people who spend their entire summers traveling, visiting the corners of the world with frequent flyer miles or road-tripping to US hot spots. It’s my understanding people enjoy doing this. Growing up, my parents’ idea of going on a summer vacation was blaring John …

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Holy crap, this is my 30th post. Since November, I’ve birthed 62,300 words out into the great abyss of the internet. That’s a couple fewer words than The Sun Also Rises; 16k more than ol’ Scotty wrote in The Great Gatsby. While it would be the humble thing to say I write for myself, that …

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Unless you’re one of those rare specimens with a platinum horseshoe up your ass, it’s likely you’ve worked in customer service at some point in your life. Working in retail or food or some other service industry is the suburbanite’s equivalent to manual labor; you’re like the Himalayan pink sea salt of the earth. I …

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Each year, I wrap up the school year and head into summer. But summer break for me doesn’t mean days lounging by the community pool or exotic vacations to beachside towns; it means work. Work on the house, work entertaining the kids, work at the brewery. How I long for those lazy days of unstructured …

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Despite my sometimes crippling anxiety in public situations, I feel like I’m a pretty socially-adjusted human being. But interacting with other people doesn’t always go right for me. What follows are my Top 5 most awkward moments. 5 – Don’t Fence Me In I had a very suburban upbringing: cub scouts, little league, youth group …

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